Hope After Loss
And so it is, I sit here writing my very first blog post on the 4 year anniversary of losing my best friend, my soulmate, and my one true love, Matthew to a brain tumour on 3/9/14 aged just 33. He was the only person in my life that made me realise unconditional love really does exist, and that I was perfect to him just exactly as I was. Even when I couldn’t see it myself, he could, making me feel like I had won the jackpot of life itself. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth.
When we met on 1st october 2010, I did not know that a love like this could even exist, it felt so special from the first time we met, nothing you can measure or express in words, just a feeling of pure joy, a knowing, and as our love grew. I felt a great sense of coming home in my heart to this magnificent man that had entered my life. I also did not know that it would inevitably be so bittersweet, as the news came just one year after our first date not long after we had moved in together, that the brain tumour he had been diagnosed with years previously aged just 25, had returned, and would require immediate life saving surgery, a relentless 12 month schedule of chemotherapy, and absolutely no hope of a cure or even guarantee that the treatment would work in giving us the precious gift of just a little more time together.
And so began the journey of enduring the devastating battle with the beast that is cancer, the ticking time bomb with no known end date, but lived with a love so magnificent that it carried us to the highest of highs, and endured the lowest of lows without ever wavering.
People often questioned how we stayed together during such a life changing event, and my answer was always, how could we not. Loving Matthew was absolutely the most effortless feeling I have ever experienced, and with that love came strength, and hope. Hope for a cure, hope for a new clinical trial, hope to live our lives to the full no matter the outcome, and hope to appreciate each and every day that we shared together. This shared love and hope meant that we still experienced joy amongst the sadness of our situation, it meant that Matthew proposed to me and I said YESSSSS! It meant that we got married and relocated to live the life of our dreams, in a little cottage in the countryside, unbelievably called HOPE COTTAGE! And it meant that when the end date finally came, it was one that was full of love and peace, never regretting one moment of the decision we made to let love lead the way instead of fear, a quality that Matthew had in abundance and that I was forever in awe of, he taught me so much about living in the present and not worrying about the future.
I did not know heartbreak would hurt so much, run so deep, or stretch so far throughout my life after loss, that it would be such a journey to rock bottom and back like a horrible yo-yo, showing me depths of myself that I did not know existed, but that the strength of my love for Matthew would still give me hope on days where I felt I could barely take one more breath without him, intuitively leading me to new places, new people, new careers, new creativity I didn’t even know existed with natural baking and food photography, a new vegan lifestyle (now that was a big surprise!), a new love of fitness and actually running a frickin’ marathon, a newfound affinity and connection with nature, the environment, and spirituality, and that it would fill my life with so many chapters of healing weaved within the deep, gut wrenching sadness for my loss, and appreciation for the beauty of the gifts I still have, my health, the breath in my body, the desire to help others and to be kind always.
There is no limit to the gratitude I will carry in my heart for lifetimes that this beautiful man picked me to share his life with and teach me all his wisdom about life, courage, laughter, and kindness in the face of the beast that is cancer.
Matthew, I love you more than words can ever say. I know you are with me always supporting me through life because I feel you in the air around me, I see you in my dreams, I talk to you in the quiet moments when I walk the dogs each day in the fields when no-one else would know the answers I need but you. This is eternal love, and I am so grateful for it here on this earthbound journey until we are reunited once more at heavens gates, and PS you’d better be waiting for me with A LOT of chocolate when I get there!!!😉💖💖💖
Forever yours,
Your adoring wife xxx
Matthew absolutely adored sweet treats (and not the healthy kind!) and so did I, his favourite being the good old chocolate caramel slice! So in honour of my soulmate, I want to share with you my latest creation of this delightful sweet treat with a healthy twist. Full of natural vitamins and minerals, theses treats are brimming with goodness from the magnesium and potassium in the gooey date caramel, the protein and antioxidants from the cashew butter and raw cacoa powder in the chocolate, and the healthy carbohydrates in the oat base, and let me tell you they taste absolutely divine, Matthew would absolutely approve of these 100%!
So wherever you are today and whatever you are doing, please think of Matthew, and enjoy a chocolate caramel slice for him :)
Chocolate caramel slices:
Makes 20
You will need a 20cm x 20cm brownie tin and baking parchment
Ingredients:
Base:
250g oats
30g coconut oil (melted)
3 tbsp maple syrup
Caramel:
350g medjool dates (pitted)
3 tbsp coconut oil (melted)
Pinch of sea salt or himalyan pink salt
Chocolate:
50g raw cacoa powder
125ml maple syrup
100g coconut oil (melted)
50g cashew butter
Method:
To make the base, blend the oats in a food processor until they form fine crumbs, then place in a mixing bowl, add the maple syrup and coconut oil, and stir until combined to form a dough like consistency.
Taking the brownie tin, line with baking parchment and press the mix firmly covering the entire tin, then place in the freezer for 15 mins.
Next, place all of the caramel ingredients in the food processor and blitz until smooth.
Add to the brownie tin base layer, and place back in the freezer for 15 minutes.
Make the chocolate by stirring all the ingredients together in a mixing bowl, and then pour over the caramel layer, returning to the freezer again for a final 15 minutes.
Cut into slices, and serve with a lovely cup of tea! These will keep in the fridge for up to 2 weeks, and in the freezer for up to 2 months.
